MELODY: I had an epiphany a few weeks back. Well, it was a few epiphanies, but you know, they were kind of similar. So anyway, the first had to do with a relationship that I have with a very dear friend of mine. It's not you, sorry.

FAITH: You have other friends?

MELODY: Yeah, sorry. Anyway, just when I discovered what was “wrong” about that relationship, I had a very similar yet different realisation about my relationship with my son.

FAITH: Oh, okay. Now that's interesting. Say more, say more.

MELODY: I will say more, but let me just introduce this first and mention that this is Life in the Grey, a Mums At The Table podcast where we explore the psychological factors that shape our relationships—be that as a parent, partner or peer. I'm Melody and I work in the parenting arena through Mums At The Table to empower and engage mums.

FAITH: And I'm Faith. I have a background in psychology, but I'm not a psychologist. My perspectives come from a lifetime of wrestling with the grey—that messy, gritty in-between. I've learned, survived and I’m still learning to hold space for nuance, for tension, for grace.

MELODY: So back to my epiphany. You know the phrase, “It's not you, it's me”? The one we heard a lot in our teenage years when we are breaking up with people or people are breaking up with us?

FAITH: Yeah, I hate that phrase.

MELODY: But unfortunately—or fortunately—it’s a bit like that. What, my epiphany is actually related to that. I guess, before I say that, I want to emphasise that what I'm trying to say is that this is not about fault-finding. We've spent many years, many months, trying to practise being compassionate with ourselves. So saying “it's not you, it's me” is not about fault-finding. But sometimes, when things go wrong in our relationships, it may sometimes be us—not because it’s our fault, but because of our expectations, so to speak.

FAITH: Okay, all right.

MELODY: Let me explain further. Let’s use these two examples right. With my friend, that’s not you.

FAITH: We’re emphasising that again.

MELODY: Yeah, I know right? I just like to emphasise that fact that you know, I don’t have just one friend because sometimes it feels like that. Anyway, with this friend, I kind of have a love-hate relationship. I love her dearly. She’s very important in my life, one of the most beautiful, caring, thoughtful, self-sacrificing person you could ever meet. You’d think that means we’d have the best relationship, right? The problem is, there are things about her that irritate me as well. I won’t list them—but you know how it is: you really like someone, but sometimes what they do, or who they are, irritates you. Recently, after lots of interactions, I found myself becoming very short with her. The things that irritated me really started getting to me. But while I was wrestling with it, reflecting, I had this epiphany: she isn’t deliberately being irritating. In fact, some of the things that get to me don’t bother anyone else. That’s when it hit me—it’s more about my own healing. My friend’s behaviour is only triggering me because of past experiences. I’m interpreting it in a way that causes me to react negatively. So it’s not her. It’s me. And the same with my son. When I lose it with him and get annoyed, it’s not always about him doing the wrong thing. Yes, he's doing something that I perceive is wrong right? He is not doing what I asked him to do, he’s reacting badly to something I told him or he’s not being quiet when I’m on the phone. But that’s also because I expect something from him and depending on what it is, he’s not a robot. It's either he needs or he wants or he should exert some autonomy, or it’s not even developmentally appropriate for him to behave a certain way. Otherwise, it’s also because I’ve got some kind of external stressors that has got nothing to do with him, I’m worried, I stressed about something, I’m concerned about something else or preoccupied, and what he’s done just happens to be the straw that breaks the camel’s back. I’m not saying the other person is never wrong, or that if things go wrong it’s only my fault. But I find it easier to stay calm and not be irritated when I realise my expectations may be too high or unfair. Obviously, it’s not that we give everyone a free pass. We can still expect the best from people. It’s healthy to explore expectations in relationships—but probably when emotions aren’t running so high.

FAITH: It sounds to me like you’ve uncovered this space in between someone’s action and your reaction. There’s this in-between space where you ask: is my feeling or reaction coming from a wound that needs healing or is it a warning—a boundary being crossed, a pattern that needs to be addressed because it’s going to be a problem? It’s a present issue that needs to be addressed. So is it a wound? Is it a warning? Sometimes it’s a mix of both. We like to say column A, column B—a little of both.

MELODY: Grey

FAITH: Yes, it’s the grey. What’s driving it? Usually it’s a mix of both but usually, one is the stronger driver.

MELODY: And I guess it feels like right now, to me, which is why the whole “It’s not you it’s me”, that stronger driver is the wound.

FAITH: So you’re using this opportunity to find out what’s happening and you’re uncovering that. And I think that’s a really important insight. Because yes, sometimes the tensions in our relationships are not just about what the other person did, but how we interpret it through the lens of our past and experiences, and the meaning we give to that moment. The meaning we give often comes from our experiences, our past. And having that kind of perspective can be powerful. And I’m in no way trying to throw cold water on you right now.

MELODY: Okay.

FAITH: Let me explain this in this way. When I hear your stories, I notice that there are a few things already in place. Number one, your relationship is one you consider to be safe and supportive. Number two, there is intentional care. You’re telling me about this friend, and you know this person already comes from a space of care. They’re intentional, they’re mindful about it. Even when it’s messy, both of you are trying to honour the relationship. You’re not trying to be right—you’re prioritising the relationship over being right. And number three, and this is the most important one of all, even if the first two aren’t there, you’ve done your inner work. You know who you are, what you need, what safety feels like in your body. And even if you don’t know it all yet, you at least have most of the information, or you’re in the frame of mind to say, “I want to know.” But here’s the thing—not everyone starts from that kind of dynamic. Some of us formed our closest relationships when we were still wounded, which means the dynamics we started with might not be healthy now, because we didn’t choose from a place of wholeness. So we may not be in a space where we have healthy relationships, or where the relationship is with someone who is intentionally caring. Take, for example, someone who grew up feeling her voice didn’t matter. Maybe she learned to keep the peace, wait for instructions, be agreeable, just so she wouldn’t rock the boat. Then she enters a relationship and is drawn to someone who always has a plan, who takes charge, who tells her what to do—because it’s familiar, and familiarity is comforting. And when this person does all that, it might be out of love, but it could also be about control—we don’t know. But as she grows and heals, she finds her own voice. Suddenly the dynamic shifts. She says, “Hey, I don’t want to spend every Saturday night doing what you want. I want to do something I want.” If she happens to be with someone healthy, he might adjust and listen. But if she’s with someone who liked her better when she stayed small, now she’s the problem. He’ll say, “You changed. What’s wrong with you?” So what happens when she asks, “Maybe the problem isn’t him, it’s me?” What kind of answer is she going to get? That’s what I mean by saying the caveat is we have to do our inner work first. We don’t need to wait until someone else is healthy—we can start with ourselves. So I mentioned the three things earlier: the safe dynamic, the caring person, the mutual honouring of the relationship. But even if those aren’t present, the most important thing is whether we’ve done our inner work. Do we know our voice? Do we know what safety looks like for us? When we do our inner work, then when we ask, “What’s mine and what’s not mine?” we can discern better. Because it takes discernment to figure out what’s mine to carry—and just as much discernment, strength, compassion and care to figure out what’s not mine to carry.

MELODY: I came with the presumption and the assumption that if you’re trying to have a good relationship with someone, that the other person wants that too. But you’re right, that may not be true.

FAITH: We don’t always choose from a place of wholeness.

MELODY: We can’t change the other person, but we can change ourselves. And while it’s not easy, that’s where the power is: whether we grow, whether we heal. For me, the caveat is that in safe relationships, when I’m confident in who I am, “It’s not you, it’s me” reminds me to change how I view the other person and what I expect from them. But yes, you’re right—what we can also change about ourselves is the distance we allow. By that I mean how close we want to be to that person, or how close we let them into our lives. That’s tricky, especially if the person is already close.

FAITH: It’s hard but here’s the thing. When you know who you are, when you’ve done the inner work, when you’re grounded in discernment, healing. and a deep sense of self. When you know who you are, what you need, what safety looks like, then this kind of introspection brings clarity, not confusion. And then self-awareness doesn’t turn into self-blame.

MELODY: Yes.

FAITH: Because sometimes introspection can spiral into, “I’m bad, I’m unworthy, it’s all my fault.” That’s when we need to pause and ask, “Where is this coming from?”

MELODY: I’m trying to say “It’s not you, it’s me” but at the same time, I think it might sound like, “If it’s not you, it’s me, then the other person isn’t wrong. Anything that goes wrong in a relationship is because I’m the only one at fault” and I know it probably sounds like that but it’s interesting, it’s from this conversation I had with someone else and I think what I want this whole “It’s not you, it’s me” to spur is . . . there’s a difference between guilt and shame. Guilt says, “I did something wrong,” which can motivate change. Shame says, “It’s my fault, I am wrong, I’m to blame, I’m a terrible person” which drains motivation and worth. So “It’s not you, it’s me” can be about guilt in a healthy way—recognising my expectations were too high or unfair—and using that to grow myself and the relationship. But if it tips into shame—“I’m a terrible person, I’m to blame for everything”—then it becomes destructive.

FAITH: Sometimes guilt can even morph into shame if we let it sit too long.

MELODY: So the focus should be on action, on doing, not on personal value, identity or worth. Recognising where healing is needed, where confidence is needed, and what’s healthy or unhealthy. That way, “It’s not you, it’s me” still works, because it helps me stay calm. It helps me not lose my temper as quickly. Of course, I still get it wrong. I’ll snap, get annoyed, get irritated. But doing the inner work gives me the ability to pause and ask, “What’s really triggering me?” Yes, it may be something the other person did, but often it’s also an underlying issue in me.

FAITH: You’re not made of stone. Being able to pause doesn’t mean you don’t have feelings. You’ll still feel them. But pausing gives you that moment to decide: What am I going to do with these feelings? And that's just it, what are you going to do about it, right? That's all. And I think to give an example of how it's not them, it's not you, it's me, played out for me, right? And I think to underscore what you're trying to say here, about how it's really about personal ownership. And again, I caveat this, that I'm in a very different space now than where I was even a year ago, right? A very different headspace, very, very different headspace. And so when I approach this statement, this pause, and when I approach this statement of, hey, what's them, what's me now? What's you, what's me? Which one is this? Let me unpack this messy middle and say, this one mine, this one yours, you know? Rather than say everything is mine and it's all my fault, you know? Okay, let's just unpack what's yours, what's mine, right? I realised that I had this conversation and something shifted because I came out from this conversation and it's a conversation that I've had very, very often with the same group of people and I realised that this time, it was different. When I came out from this conversation, I didn't feel erased. When I was reflecting on it a few days later, I realised, hey, I haven't ruminated about this. I didn't ruminate about the conversation. I didn't go back and fantasise how I could have done it better, what are the ways that all should be done.

MELODY: Which you usually do.

FAITH: Which I usually do, which I really usually do, right? And I actually, when I thought about the conversation, I liked how I showed up for myself and I liked how I showed up for them. It wasn't just about showing up for me alone but I also liked how I responded to them, how I responded rather than reacted to what was being said, right? And it wasn't because these people had changed. It was because my mindset changed. I entered into the conversation without carrying this invisible expectation that they needed to understand me or that they would give me psychological safety. I didn't go into this expecting them to give me psychological safety. I'm like, nope, I am responsible for my wellbeing. I'm responsible for myself. If they can't provide the psychological safety for me, I know how to provide it for myself and I will adapt and I will address the situation as it goes. But I'm not putting my psychological safety in their hands and waiting for them to become the kind of people that I need, right? I am going to be the person that I need for myself and I'm going to address the situation as it comes along. I'm not waiting for anyone's approval. I'm not waiting for their approval to treat myself with respect and care. And it's not to say that, oh, they're bad people. They're not. Sometimes people are just not your kind of people.

MELODY: And so you were expecting them to treat you one way, like you were expecting them to treat you one way but you've changed that. But they never changed. But then because you've changed your perspective, they were still treating you the same way that they always do but you were okay with that?

FAITH: I was okay with that. I was okay with it because I no longer give them the responsibility. Yeah, I don't make them responsible for my wellbeing. I'm responsible for my own wellbeing. And even if it means like, how am I going to address this? Do I walk away? Do I speak up? How do I speak up? Whatever it is, it's no longer a question of how do I shapeshift so that you will like me and say the things that you need to say to make me feel safe with you. It's, you know what? If I don't feel safe with you, that's fine. I'll make my own bubble of safety here so that I can still be in a conversation with you and still have a bubble of safety. That's fine. And this bubble does not require you to build it. I'm building it for myself because sometimes people are just not aligned that way or maybe they just don't have the capacity at the moment to behave a certain way or to rise up to the occasion. They just don't have the skill, maybe. Who knows, right? Not up to me. Nobody invited me to be their life coach. So whatever. They be them. Whatever I may do, it doesn't matter to me. It just means, you know what? We are just not going to have that kind of emotional connection that I used to long for. And that's okay. We're just not going to have that kind of emotional connection. But what it also means is I am certainly not giving them that kind of access or power for that kind of intimacy in my life where their perspectives and their validation can make or break me.

MELODY: And I suppose like what you're saying, that yes, and I love your example because it really is trying to encapsulate what I'm trying to say about this whole it's not you, it's me. But obviously, there was a lot of work and groundwork that you had to do beforehand for you to arrive at that situation.

FAITH: Wow, yes, yes. Because the Faith who showed up in that conversation, that was a Faith. That is a Faith who is compassionate, who's curious, who's very clear about her worth. That's a Faith who's very clear that her abilities are not contingent on how much you like her, how much you value her. No, that shift, that shift is understanding what's mine to own, what's mine to carry, what's not mine, that's yours, that's yours to carry, that's your thing. And that changed the way I showed up for myself and it changed the way I showed up for them also. Because I wasn't angry at them, I wasn't upset at them like, you have failed in this, why can't you be more empathetic? Why can't you be more understanding? Why can't you be more curious? Why can't you be more... No, it's like, you know what? You do you. Oh, okay, no empathy here? That's okay. I'm gonna adjust. Like you said earlier, right? Yes, sometimes distance. Okay, taking a step back now. Taking a psychological step back now.

MELODY: I can't change you, but I can change myself and my location.

FAITH: Yes, even if not physically, psychologically, emotionally.

MELODY: Well, obviously, there's a lot of nuance and I'll admit it, I've got a lot of blind spots when it comes to this, it's not you, it's me concept. It works, as I can hear from your example and as well as how it's worked in my life, but I also know that there's a lot of blind spots. I guess to the Life in the Grey community, what I want to know is, what do you think of this strategy? What else should I be thinking about? Or perhaps it's something that you've been doing yourself. I would love to hear how it has worked for you and what caveats and what safeguards you've put in place. Share your thoughts in the comments or reach out to us by emailing at Hello@MumsAtTheTable.com. Life in the Grey is a Mums at the Table podcast and let's continue the conversation.